This past weekend Brooklyn (or any other NYC borough for that matter) did not want to take me in. Or my running friends. Or our supportive families. Or thousands of other runners from around the world. Little Texas said it best when they sang “there’s a first time for everything”. I just finished unpacking suitcases for a trip I never went on…for the first time. This weekend I was supposed to be in one of my favorite places on earth, New York City, running a marathon that ended up being canceled…for the first time…ever... It really is a surreal feeling. I write this not to get in to the debate over the decision to cancel, as I fully understand both sides (if you want it though, simply put, I feel it was the RIGHT decision, POORLY handled by NYRR and Mayor Bloomberg, made FAR too late in the game). Rather, I write this to get out the emotions I have experienced because of what happened this weekend.
It is really unbelievable to feel so many different things at one time. I will probably never forget watching my friend Yolanda get the phone call from our friend Jamie that the marathon had been canceled while we were sitting in the airport restaurant making plans for our exciting weekend ahead. My initial reaction to the news was shock, which quickly turned to anger over why that decision couldn’t have been made sooner, and then I was in “go mode” to get things in order and waste as little money as possible. Within the hour our flight was canceled, our hotel rooms were canceled, our bags were traced to return home (at least something got to go to NYC…), and our rides were on their way to come get us. While we waited, I sat with Yo as tears streamed down her face realizing this thing we dreamed about for months was not actually going to happen. I sat, still trying to wrap my head around what had actually occurred. We got out the verses we had picked to recite during our 26 miles and tried to remind ourselves of the things that really matter. We, along with our fellow marathoners, are smart enough and caring enough to realize why the city needed to cancel, but it doesn’t lessen the heartbreak. We grieve for the losses the people of New York suffered and cannot imagine the things some of those families have gone through. Nor do we want to do anything to cause them further harm. We are compassionate, sensitive, empathetic people. At the same time, within our group we have overcome stress fractures and knee surgeries to get to that starting line. We have put in months of training, many in the 90-degree Texas mornings. We have given up endless Friday nights to go to bed at 9:00 so we can get up and run early. We put the hours in on the pavement and on the trails. We poured money into training programs, registration fees, shoes, endurance gels, matching marathon shirts, etc. Those things don’t just go away. When you fight so hard for something it can be difficult to let go, no matter how insignificant it might seem to others.
My personal low came Saturday night. As I was driving to meet my boyfriend’s family for dinner (grateful to being doing so because it is something I have wanted to do for some time and they are as wonderful as I figured they would be) I thought about the fact that I should have been sitting in a hotel room in New York, getting ready for bed, and being nervous for a race. The tears streamed down my face and continued to do so because my sadness turned to shame thinking I was selfish about wanting to run a race when there are people in this country who faced real tragedy this week. I felt guilty because my amazing friends and family took time and money to give me gifts of encouragement for a race that wasn’t going to happen. I hurt because I have read over and over again about what “awful” people the runners are for wanting to go on with their race. I was saddened by the hatred towards the runners, and even about the way some runners reacted towards the city and those who made the decision to cancel. This weekend opened my eyes to how much negativity there is in our society, and it made me question why people can’t focus their energy more positively. It pains me to see how insensitive people are and feel that they can say whatever they think. Even people I know couldn’t help but share their two cents on Facebook as if they could really know how my heart and how my friends’ hearts truly felt this weekend. I’m disheartened that the city I cherish so much issued such hatred towards a community I feel is full of amazing, caring, thoughtful people. That night Yo reminded me that this dream would happen when it was supposed to and this year simply wasn’t the year. I believe that to be true and I am okay with that because the 2012 NYC Marathon is not the reason I run.
I run because it gives me a healthier life. I run because it allows me to spend time with some of my best friends. I run because it brings me JOY. I run because it has taught me I am not the one in control. I run because the Lord gives me the strength to run. I run for the journey, not the finish line. I run for the feeling of accomplishment that crossing finish lines brings (I mean that feeling IS hard to beat!). I run because it clears my head. I run because it lessens my anxiety and stress from life. I run because of ALL the faces that will be up to meet me so we can run together. I run so I don’t feel quite so guilty about that trip to Sweet Sammies. I run because I have gotten to see dozens of BEAUTIFUL sunrises over the city I love and the stadium of my Alma Mater. I run because I have learned about the generosity of others in more ways than I could begin to describe. I run because it gives me goals to achieve. I run because it allows me to do things I never imagined I would do. I run because I am accepted by people who are just like me and also by those who are total opposites. I run because there is chocolate milk at the end. I run to escape the worries that teaching 19 8-year-olds can bring. I run because it makes me stronger, physical and mentally. I run because I am stubborn and determined. I run because I am a runner.
So, this weekend I chose to look at the good that came from this “bad”. While I should have been running the race on Sunday, I was at the park with my boyfriend and his niece. While it may not have been CENTRAL Park, I cherish that time and feel like it was an equally great way to spend my day. It brought me joy, laughter, friendship, etc. I got to know his family better. I got to watch an AMAZING TCU win with two of my favorite Horned Frogs. I was able to rest instead of exhausting my body further than it already was in the weeks of preparing for my trip. I had good food prepared by someone who cares about me instead of off a cart in NYC (although I do love a good falafel – don’t get me wrong). I was reminded of the true reasons I run. I was given the opportunity to remember what a great community I have around me. My friends and family reached out to me in a time that they knew would be a disappointment, and made me feel so loved. So, this weekend may not have been the weekend I got to see my dreams of my redo NYC marathon come true, but in a lot of ways this weekend will be one full of happy memories that I will remember for a long time for different reasons than I had originally envisioned. I can’t be too upset about that.
Oh, and NYC marathon, don’t think I’m not coming for you eventually. I will cross your finish line without limping across it. Our story isn’t over. Boston Qualifier in New York?? There’s a first time for everything…
